Day 4: The Process

31 Letters to the new mom of a child with Spina Bifida

Day 4: The Process

Dear Momma,

Whether you found out while you were pregnant or didn’t know until your little one was born, you will still need to understand and face the process that is “grieving”.  When my husband and I first found out about Jaycie’s Spina Bifida diagnosis, I was numb. 
I didn’t know what to think and I walked around in a fog.  Even now thinking back I remember feeling like everything was moving in slow motion around me.  I remember the haze of confusion being interrupted by periods of uncontrollable tears, followed by fits of anger and releasing that anger in “Prayer Tantrums” and at the people that matter the most to me.  It was a very confusing time.  There is one night that I remember in particular.  Jay and I had just gotten home from that horribly insensitive doctor in Virginia.  We had picked up our two boys at my Mother-in-laws, my husband had just run in and said the news wasn’t good but that we would call later.  When we got home the kids played outside and my husband went to working in the yard.  (He was going through his own process.)  Eventually we put the boys to bed and when we turned out the lights I remember telling him, “I don’t know how to be her Mommy.”  I remember wanting to pray but I was crying so hard that I couldn’t get the words to form in my throat.  As I laid there, sobbing, next to my husband he held my hand and prayed the prayer that I couldn’t find.  It was a simple and sweet prayer and then he reassured me that we would figure it all out.  That night, I fell in love with him all over again. 

The process for me started the day I got the first phone call, although I didn’t even know what the “Process” was.  I would be sad, then confused and angry.  Then I would feel guilty for feeling sad, like I was being selfish.  It wasn’t until I talked with my sister, she’s in the medical field and she explained the grieving process to me.  I finally realized what I was going through, the feelings I was having, they were normal and it was okay to feel a loss for the expectations I had envisioned for my daughter.  Once I understood the process, I could recognize the stages when I was facing them.  Sometimes I could talk myself through them, sometimes I needed my husband like in the story above, but always I needed God.  I am so thankful for our beautiful little Jaycie and I cannot begin to imagine our lives without her; but even now I have moments when I think “It’s not fair, for her.” But these are fleeting moments and they pass quickly when I realize what wonderful gifts God has given her and how she is teaching us all so much about life. 

The Grieving Process is made up of the following stages; however you may not go through them in this order, you may go through them simultaneously or in a completely different order:

·         Denial

·         Anger

·         Bargaining

·         Depression/Sadness

·         Acceptance/coming to terms

I encourage you to talk to someone; a family member, spouse, pastor, doctor to help you better understand the process.  Also read the article at the link below for more information on the Grieving Process.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002497/

 With Love,

Sherry

P.S. Thanks for stopping by, I would love to hear your comments on this series.  Thanks.